Please Dont Forget Me.

please dont forget me

im going away

im taking a taxi to kentucky

where they dont need to know

all about me

i just need to feel safe.

SORRY, I KNOW!

i havent been on in the past few...days?...weeks. (and in know that doesnt matter to anyone, except maybe emma, but i dont think it even matters to her.) "who cares anyway, this blog is only a look inside my brain." and i dont know, but putting all the contents and thoughts that go on inside my mind on a public site on the internet doesnt seem like such a smart idea, but when have i ever acted reasonable?

so i was tinking the other day.

The deep thoughts all started flowing when i over-heard my mother talking to my dad on the phone. The whole conversation was over the fees for renting school books. My mom said, "Can you imagine what collage is going to cost us!?" in a paniced voice.

my brother is going off to collage soon...

that sentance makes me feel awful. I'm really going to miss him. and i didnt even think about him leaving. but he is. its un-avoidable. hes going to leave and our family will be different. no more older brother Jonathan looking out for me.

what am i going to do when hes gone?

• He always yells at me to turn down my music.
• he makes dinner funny
• helps bail me out when i get in trouble
• but if im in too much trouble he know that i should be punished, and i respect him for that.
• he takes me to church, whos going to drive me to church when hes gone?
• he helps keep mom calm
• and keeps our family balanced
• plays guitar hero with me and my little brother sam
• in the morning, he wakes me up (unknowingly) when hes dingging around in his closet. our rooms are right next to each other.
• and i always take his hairsparay and aquafore when im all out.

what happens when he's gone?

My music will stay on volume 30, slowly killing my ears. Dinner will be silent. I'll never have that kind of protection again. I'll car-pool to chruch with a compleate family. Mom will stay mad. The family wont be the perfect balance of love and chaos anymore. Guitar Hero songs will fade out of my memory. Sam will cry. Sam never cries. I'll wake up to the naisly annoying sound of an alarm clock. His room will be quiet. I wont ever have any hairspray.

He means a lot to me. Way more then just the simple list of great things about him above. ^ I know he needs to get out of the house and into the world. Go to a collage in Chichago just like he wants. But im really going to miss him.

an awful lot.

oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

My lungs are weak from all this fabricated air.

THE WEEKEND IS ALMOST HERE!

and i really would appriciate a good party.

okay, its wednsday.
I've been sick since sunday night. and that does not feel too good. So im a little groggy and tired. which is hard to believe because I slept all of monday and tuesday. I was so tired i barely got out of bed and ate. I think i had a toatal of two pieces of toast and some soup during my sicky days...

weird.

im ALWAYS hungry, so the not eating thing really cought up to me today. and today was the day i went back to school. I had this fairly large plate of yucky chicken alfredo at lunch. it was gross, but i couldnt stop eating it. I dont even like chicken alfredo, and its not like the school has amazing cooking or anything. and i wasnt feeling hungry. i just ate it to eat. do you ever do that?
dont get me wrong, im not overweight or anything. Im a cross country runny, so i stay in good shape. but when i went to my friend stephenies house (also a runner on the team) to join my other cross country buddies, i noticed something.

cross country runners eat like freakn' starving pigs.

just saying.

i didnt know it was possible for just a couple of scrawny freshmen girls on the XC team to be able to eat two large saussage and cheese pizzas and 18 breadsticks with garlic butter and spicy cheese all in less then one hour... (not to mention the fact that all the cookies we made were gone by the end of the night.)

so lately i've been up to some things.

due to the fact that my life is boring.

1. i've made some new friends.
2. checked out some councert dates (most that i plan on going to)
3. bumped up all my grades (thats what happens when you have a boring life)

so yeah.

lame life. as of now.

call me crazy but i think i can make that change.

call me super crazy, because i plan to do something extreamly stupid or reckless to change that.

Things Are Gonna Happen Naturally.

Was it you who spoke the words
that things would happen
but not to me?
Oh things are gonna happen
Naturally.
Taking your advice
and looking on the bright side
and balancing the whole thing.

I'm on a compleate music high. ever listen to music that just makes you happy for around two hours? If you havent then i know im crazy. One day, i listened to music for over four hours. just did homework and chilled and sang and listened. You might think im insane for wanting to do this, but it was the best thing in the world. you just get so happy. :)

and its okay

if you had to go away

just remember the telephones

well their workin 'em both ways

but if i never ever hear them ring

if nothing else i'll think the bells inside

have finally found you someone else

and thats okay

'cause i'll remeber everything you

sang.

all form the lovely Jason Maraz. Normally, i would not listen to this kind of music. but he fits my care-free mood.

Oops, sorry!

It just kinda hit me.

my blogs are bitter.
i've been a bitter child lately.
i feel like changing that.
sorry if any of my posts got you down,
that isnt the point of them.
i just need a place to put my thoughts.
i'll try to think happier ones.
because im tired of being sad.
im ready to be happy again.

:)

Josey, Its alright.

I'm comming home,
I'm comming home.
Did you take off while I
was gone?

so. Homecomming is comming. Really fast.
I dont have a date! :/
i have no idea what im going to do. There is no way im going on a pitty date, thats pethetic. and i refuse to go with a group of friends: it just shows how much you wanted a date but didnt get one.
i have a friend who has been asked a billion times by a billion different boys, and i have another wh0 is going with this new kid (its like he fell from the sky, or something), and yet another buddie who has three guys after her. and Its killing her because she doesnt know which one to chose. then theres the girls who have official boyfriends that make official dates. and then theres me.
I have no official boyfriend, no one to ask me but my very strange simi-friend, and no chance of going. It makes me sad.
i feel stupid. me and my petty shallow problems.

i wish i was deep.

Eyeliner and Cigarettes

Promise I'll be kind
But I wont stop until that boy is mine.

Bad day today. Just a little mad at my friend.
but I'm not going to confront her. there is no need to.
shes just... kind of leading on this guy.
who honestly has enough problems. I feel bad for this kid.

Not a good day, not a lot on my mind.
that's all.

Carter's Gonna be So Mad at Me...

'Cause she is only 15
and she is more then willing
to take a chance
to find romance
to grow up fast
but I
know she is so much better
then to give it all away
to the first guy
first try
first lie
first good-bye

My current favorite song- fifteen by NeverShoutNever!

if you havent heard of him, look him up... right now.

so anyway he wrote this song about a girl he knew, only the age of fifteen. and he noticed she was getting into some more "adult" things. she was trying to grow up too fast.

I love the song and i love NeverShoutNever! but i think hes being a little hypocritical. these lyrics are comming from the guy who had sex at age 16! so hes being very hypocritical.

Apparently sex is normal in highschool. at least at HSE it is. it drives me crazy. It just blows my mind. I understand it because i've gone through enough experiances to relate. I'm just 14? thats a whole year younger then this girl that Fiftten is about. I guess people these days dont get that kids go through more then they realize. Sex, drugs, drinking, friend drama, family problems, depression, and soo much pressure. sometimes it feels like the pressure will dissipear if you just give in. but honestly, its highschool. that pressure wont go away, no matter what. you have to just learn to get around it.

maybe theres a way to stop it.

but what do i know.

im just 14. and i've made too many mistakes to know what to do.